i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
