Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
