Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Randomize
