Your dad touched me again.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
