Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
