You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just found puke in my bra..
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
