so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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