i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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