I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
