Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
