nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I party with great urgency now.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
