Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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