idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm jealous of your bromance
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
