i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
