You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
