Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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