On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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