.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
