How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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