dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
