I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
