i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
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