Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
