Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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