Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
