I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
