Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I want her autograph on my taint
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
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