Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
