I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sext me about skeletons
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
