it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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