My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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