your parents love me but you hate me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
These 17 People Made Horrible Decisions That Ruined Their Lives
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.