Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."