I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had to cum in my sink.
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