the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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