I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.