I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
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it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.