Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.