no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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