I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
