I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
