4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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