Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
