i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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