Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
