I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
