if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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