i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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