Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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