today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize