We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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