How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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