apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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