Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
