Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
