His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
