Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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