Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
