i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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