I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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