Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
