Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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