I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
